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Zero-turn mower safety

I just updated my article, Product review (and lot's of tips): Hustler Raptor X Zero Turn Lawn Mower, and i wanted to highlight a very small portion of it because so many people have hurt or killed themselves while operating ZTR (zero-turn) mowers.

I used to work for a company that did professional mowing with zero-turn mowers and i learned a lot from that experience. These machines handle very differently than a regular lawn tractor, having both distinct advantages and disadvantages.

At some point my former boss hired the "new guy" and so i wrote for him this 'guide' based on my experience with ZTR mowers over the course of roughly 7 years. It doesn't cover every situation, by far, but i hope it will save someone a trip to the hospital or morgue. It is obviously written with a heavy dose of humor (and booze), but i think it's very relevant nonetheless, particularly the parts about navigating steep slopes, upon which where many ZTR people who have died, died.

THE TOTALLY HALF-ASS MOWING GUIDE - FOR DUMMIES!

or how not to destroy shit and kill yourself on your first day!

MOWING STUFF
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RULE 1: DFU (Don't Fuck Up)

ZERO-TURNS: zero-turn mowers handle *very* differently than a regular riding mower:
* ascending a slope ...... : good traction, braking and steer-ability
* level ground ........... : maximum traction, braking and steer-ability
* traversing a slope ..... : fair traction and braking, potentially poor steer-ability
* descending a slope ..... : poor traction, braking and steer-ability - NOT. EVEN. KIDDING.
* descending a steep slope : pray! (sacrificing a small animal may help - untested)

DECK: engage the deck around half throttle and drop to idle before disengaging the deck - this saves wear on the clutch that drives the deck belt

THOSE DOWNHILL SLOPE 'OH SHIT!' MOMENTS: if (when!) you drive down even a moderately steep grade, the drive wheels can start to lose traction - *DO NOT* TRY TO STOP! - keep the drive wheels turning and steer through that shit like a real man (who isn't the least bit afraid of getting cut in half by "the fence"...more on that later)

REALLY REALLY STEEP INCLINES: slopes too steep to traverse can sometimes be mowed bottom-to-top, not that this is advisable or particularly smart - BE VERY MINDFUL OF FLIPPING BACKWARDS, something that can happen virtually without you noticing; if the machine starts to wheelie, quickly and smoothly move the drive controls rearward and back down the hill, gradually increasing speed if necessary to prevent flipping over - never try to slow or stop when backing down a steep incline - lastly, steep slopes are often rough/rocky due to erosion so remember to raise the deck when mowing such terrain

TRAVERSING SLOPES: there is a maximum incline at which you can point nose-down on a slope whilst still maintaining clean underwear - i don't know what the hell it is, and it depends on the machine, conditions, planet alignment, etc., but i'll guess it's typically around 30 deg. - be careful when traversing steep slopes; if you start sliding sideways down a slope and then suddenly stop, such as by sliding into a ditch, obstacle, etc., the mower can flip

"!!!THE FENCE!!!" : when the boss says "DON'T GO DOWN THERE KID OR YOU'LL CRASH THROUGH THE FENCE!!!", rest assured that he knows what the F he's talking about - i literally made the mistake immediately after i was warned, but i didn't panic and instead drove the machine out of the situation - i dunno why people shit their pants in times like these because my sphincter tightened up to the point where, had i farted, it would've sounded like a dog whistle

FUEL TANKS: don't cut too close to those fuel tanks else the back wheel will contact it, potentially knocking it off its legs and causing an environmental catastrophe the likes of which would surely have Greta knocking at your door

FENCE LINES: watch for nails/objects sticking out of fences which can puncture a tire - you, we don't care about

THORNS: thorns can/will puncture the tires, particularly the front casters

TURNING: when the end of a stripe is reached and you turn around to do the next pass, turn in such a way as to keep both tires rolling - never pivot on one wheel!

NOT TURNING: if you have trouble holding a straight line, 1) reduce alcohol consumption, 2) try aiming a caster at a distant object or just a couple inches away from the edge of your last cut

TURNING IN CIRCLES: despite being zero-turn mowers, you cannot always mow around a tree or other object without backing up to realign the deck else the rear tire will hit the object

BLOW IT OUT YOUR...: be mindful of where you're blowing the deck discharge - try to not to blow it onto sidewalks, roads, buildings, cars, heat exchangers, people, etc. (people who you don't like are fair game) - sometimes this cannot be avoided, so make sure to clean off these areas either with the deck exhaust or a leaf blower

JUNGLE GRASS: tall growth, especially if green/wet, will clog the shit out of the deck - always be mindful of engine RPM and the deck discharge; if clippings start to block it, do not shut off the deck - instead: 1) quickly come to a stop and raise the deck all the way 2) rapidly drop the throttle to idle and quickly increase it again to full - it is often at this point, near idle, when piles of crap will drop from the deck like "The Big D" (Diarrhea) because it's not being held up as much by the air from the blades - do this a couple of times - if the engine stalls, disengage the deck, kill the engine and clean it by hand before starting it again since engaging the deck while it's full of crap puts *enormous* strain on the deck belt and clutch

WOW, SHE'S HOT: inevitably people will approach you at some point, perhaps to just to walk by or bitch about you running over their cat, or perhaps to ask for your hand in marriage - always idle down and disengage the deck while they pass... unless it's the 'cat lady' yelling at you for running over "Precious", in which case you can just keep going

SHARPENING BLADES
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i no longer taper the blades to a fine edge - they get dull/damaged too fast - instead i sharpen them to a point as usual, then file a 10-20 deg. angle to chamfer the edge, very much like this: /__ - the height of this chamfer should probably not exceed 1/16th of an inch - this angle can be very quickly re-sharpened several times before the rest of the taper on the blade needs to be ground - be careful not to heat the blade to where the edge discolors (turns blue) - doing so removes the temper

DISCLAIMER
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this guide (if you can call it that), hereafter referred to as "The Guide", may or may not be complete, accurate, or law abiding. the author(s) of The Guide is/are not professionals and may, in fact, be mentally challenged and/or intoxicated. side effects due to ingesting The Guide are rare and may include: nausea, heart attack, stroke, genital swelling, uncontrollable crying, depression, projectile vomiting and/or 'The Big D'. contact your doctor immediately if you experience any of these symptoms. the opinions expressed in The Guide do not necessarily reflect those of management. any similarities to actual people or events is completely coincidental, mostly.